Resettlement Workshop

If you've been reading about my adventures in Rwanda - and I'm grateful that you have and thank you for the sweet e-mails that you sent me (you know who you are) - then you're probably wondering/worrying about what happened between my last post in March and now. So much.

Things I can't say

First of all, I'm no longer in Rwanda. I'm back in Canada, safely and finally recovered from a slew of odd illnesses. I say 'odd' because I was never sick for a day in Rwanda, but my system crashed upon my return to Canada, where I have clean running water and much higher standards of hygiene.

Being back in Western civilisation was a shock. The first time I set toes on my bedroom carpet, slept on my non-concave mattress, showered under hot running water and swiped my credit card, I felt a grand sensation of how AWESOME life is! It took me over 2 months to stop drooling over the sheer quantity and variety of products at the supermarket. On the other hand, I'm appalled more than ever to see people driving mega trucks and gas guzling SUVs or buying namebrand products at outrageous prices.

Despite these feelings, being home has definitely helped me gain a clearer perspective on the experiences that I lived in Rwanda. During my last weeks there, the shit hit the fan. I wrote all about it, but couldn't post any of it here because:

1. it was ALL negative and I didn't want to leave you with that impression (there were so many positives too, but not at that time),
2. it would have had severe consequences at work,
3. it would have posed obstacles with my return home, and
4. it would have worried the crap out of a whole lot of people

I don't know if I'll ever be able to publicize and share those events...

Things I don't know how to say

Now that I'm home, reasons 2. 3. and 4. are no longer a barrier. I have told people in my immediate circle about some less than stellar events. But a new challenge posed itself - I felt like no one could relate. I went to Rwanda for 3 very clear reasons. And most, if not all, the people around me can't understand those reasons. I got so tired of having to justify myself. You just don't understand!

Don't get me wrong, everyone welcomed me home with such warmth and open arms. But they definitely didn't share the same values and priorities that I have. When they asked me 'so, how was it?' I didn't know what to respond. I was filled with such anger and disappointment with my placement abroad, but didn't want to vent to them and give them a negative view of the country. Aside from 'Hotel Rwanda', I was their only link to the place, so I didn't want to tarnish their views based on my very particular experiences.

In a way, I also didn't have an answer to that question. I hadn't figured things out for myself yet. I really didn't know how I felt about the last part of my stay.

Things that I've now said

Last weekend, I went to Ottawa for the VSO Resettlement workshop for returned volunteers, a debriefing of sorts. One of the volunteers said it best - our pre-departure workshop was 25% for us, 25% for VSO Canada, 25% for VSO overseas, 25% for our employer. But this resettlement workshop was 90% for us and 10% for VSO Canada.

I got to vent, share, cry and laugh with people who lived in similar conditions and met similar difficulties. Finally I could say anything I wanted to people who understood me. They'd jump out of their seats with "me too!" responses. Such enthusiasm, support and encouragement to what I said. I can barely describe the renewed sense of hope, freedom, and inner peace that I felt coming out of this workshop. Surreal.

Words have power

I still believe in development work, I still believe in VSO Canada. In fact, I'd recommend VSO to anyone interested in woring overseas. I truly feel that I've now come full circle in my VSO journey and am ready for the next phase in my life. And boy, will it be an exciting one!